Loving You
by Astro Purple
Summary: Alec has some major decisions to make and consider. Inspired somehow by the song "Wherever You Will Go" by The Calling, but this is not a songfic. R/R Please!


Loving You  
  
By Astro Purple  
  
AstroPurpl@aol.com  
  
G  
  
Timeline: Anytime after "Bag 'Em."  
  
Summary: Alec has some major decisions to make and consider. Inspired somehow by the song "Wherever You Will Go" by The Calling, but this is not a songfic.  
  
Author's Note: Sorry to all you M/L fans out there. I just don't think those two are the perfect match. I'm very much a M/A person, also a really huge Jensen Ackles fan.  
  
Disclaimer: Dark Angel characters belong to the wonderful people who bring Dark Angel to us.  
  
* * *  
  
I love her. That was the only thought on my mind as I walked through the streets of Seattle. It hadn't taken me this long to figure it out, in fact, I think that I knew how I felt about her those first seconds I set my eyes on her. She was beautiful, more than beautiful. All of my life, I've seen female X5s come and go. They all had their looks; dark and mysterious, bright and extremely open about their affections, but none of them compared to what I saw in that cell. All those others, they had been Manticore through and through. They each had their individual personalities, their own fire about them, but the minute some Manticore captain or major walked in, their fire was gone. They stood attention, becoming the soldier they'd been bred to be. Even towards me they were the soldier, and I was only a CO, a former CO at that.  
  
When I was briefed on my assignment, I hadn't been looking forward to it. I thought she would be a cowering girl, someone broken in by Manticore and wasted by the life she had led outside. Boy was I wrong. Out of anything, I didn't expect to see the vibrant girl with the fire in her eyes that never smoldered. She wasn't afraid of me, she wasn't afraid of disobeying orders. And I respected her. I admired the courage she had. That's why I helped her, that's why I lied. Plus, I didn't want her to be taken away. I wanted her as my partner, I think, a part of me hoped that one night she would just forget about Manticore and lose herself in me.  
  
I'm glad that she burned Manticore, I'm glad she torched that place to the ground. But I feel sorry for those of us that didn't get away, couldn't get away while the building around burned. She is our savior, she is our angel, and she is our guardian. Look at Joshua, you don't go your entire life and see something like that, but she treats him like he's one of her older brothers, or sometimes like a baby brother. And those stupid X6 kids, she didn't know them, but she still risked her life to help them, to watch out for them. Even me, someone who she despises, she saved my life. I know in my heart that it won't be the last time either. Like she says, I screw up everything when I could have asked for help. But I'm trying to make it up to her. Trying to make up for the fact that she and Logan can't touch. It's not entirely my fault, she was the one who wouldn't tell who or where Eyes Only was, and it was Logan's fault for getting shot and dripping his blood all over the place. Can't she see that? No, of course she can't. She wouldn't be able to stand the fact that her precious boy, Logan, could mess up like that. Or that even she, Max, could have screwed up. So she blames it on me. I don't really mind, I guess.  
  
She can't see, she's blind. She can't see how her and Logan aren't meant to be together. Fate keeps pushing them apart. This virus is meant to drive her away from Logan, but still she clings, unable to see. What does she see in him. His life is Eyes Only. He could never give her what her heart desires. Worse, he doesn't love her. Not that way. He sees her as a big brother would look at his little sister. Protective but loving. Max picks up on all the wrong signals. Not to mention, she's his muscle. He can't lose her, if he does, than there's no one to go out and save the world from all of humanity's evil. Am I the only one who can see this? The only one who can see how wrong they are for each other? Of course not. That cute blonde can see also. That's why she hangs around Logan so much, just as how I hang around Max. We're both just waiting, just waiting for our chance to show our love.  
  
You don't know. I'm always watching you, Max. I'm always watching out for you when you go on those stupid missions for Eyes Only. I couldn't bear if you were hurt. Especially if you get yourself killed. So I follow. I can tell you're not use to being followed by another X5, because not once have you turned around and caught me or come after me later to yell. I'm glad. I like watching you from the shadows or from the rooftop while you do your job. I know what you'll call me if you ever find out, a pervert. Don't get me wrong, Max. I won't always just hide in my little hiding place and watch you. If you ever need help, I'll be there to help you. Even though you'll never ask for help, especially from me. You value your own independence too much.  
  
I sit on a bench and stare out onto the water. I love Max, and I want her to know. But I don't know how. Whenever she looks at me, she sees a playboy, someone who takes life's pleasures for granted. I want to prove myself to her. I want to prove to her that I love her and only her. But I don't know how. I've been on the verge of professing my love to her twice already, and each time I get close, I chicken out. All it takes is one look from her and I'm scared. I don't know how she'll take it. She doesn't like me; in fact, she can't even stand me. What'll she do knowing that I love her and that I've been watching her? She'll probably flip out and than pound me into the ground I'm standing upon while she's yelling, screaming for me to take back my words. How can she hate me so much when we're so much alike?  
  
My cell phone rings. Who would be calling me? Especially at this time, past three in the morning. Norms are usually tucked away, safe in their beds by now. Ahh… figures. Logan. He was the only one to write down my number when I offered it. Asha had pretended, but I knew she'd tossed my slip of paper the minute she thought I wasn't looking, when my back was turned. And Max, she hadn't even pretended to take my number. I should hang up on him now, how dare he call me when I'm on my time, my thinking time. But he's frantic; he can barely get a coherent sentence out without breaking. I'm annoyed. Finally the phone is taken away from him and Bling, his trusty therapist turned bodyguard, takes over.  
  
I'm running now. Running as fast as my enhanced speed allows me, which is pretty fast. Why do you ask? It's Max. She's in trouble. That's all I have to explain. I didn't know she had an Eyes Only mission tonight. Otherwise I wouldn't have let her go alone, I wouldn't have been drowning my sorrows at Crash trying to forget about Max. It figures, the only time she gets into trouble and needs my help, is when I'm not there to help her. I'm not there to watch her and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid.  
  
I hope I'm not too late. Bling had explained the situation. Max had gone out to try and free a bunch of X8 series kids from White's hands. But he had been expecting her. She was trapped now, trapped for whatever torturous experiments White's cooking up in that deranged mind of his. I increased my speed, if that were possible, leaping the sector fence in once bound, knowing that to the guards all I looked like was a blob. They would erase it from their minds.  
  
When I got there, I'm just in time, but I'm also too late. Depending on how you look at it. White was going to kill her. I couldn't allow that. So I did the only thing I could think of, I put myself between Max and the bullet. Like I said, depending on how you look at it, I got here either just in time or too late. But I'm optimistic, at least that's what Max says about me, so I believe I got here just in time.  
  
I'm cold right now. I can hear Max screaming in the distance. What's happening? I try to open my eyes and lift up my head to look, but the pain is stopping me from moving. Then she's standing over me. I can hear her sobbing. Oh Max… don't cry, please don't cry. She's making it sound like this is such a bad thing. Is it? She never liked me, so why all this emotion? But then, Max was always sentimental. She could never bear to kill anyone just because. There were few in the world who in her eyes deserved death. I can feel her leaning over me and stroking my cheek. She's calling for me and crying at the same time. There's so much anguish in her voice. I try to open my eyes and let her know it's all right. I succeed this time, taking in her beauty and reminding myself why I did what I did.  
  
"Maxie… don't cry please." I whisper. She stops her sobbing and leans down so she can hear me. There's so much I want to tell her, so much we have to talk about. But I know we don't have that much time. "I love you." I can see the shock in her face, I expect her to lash out at me at any minute, but she doesn't. There's only recognition in her eyes, and she cries harder. I want to reach up and brush those tears from her eyes and then take her into my arms and comfort her. But I can't. She's telling me not to die on her, that she'll beat me if I do, and I'm trying. She understands now, and I'm happy. I can't feel any pain, all that had been numbed away. And I know now that dying is a part of life, I can't beat it. I open my eyes once again and smile at her. Trying to be her comfort however I can be.  
  
Do I have any regrets? You're asking me, Maxie? No, I don't have any regrets. I'm only wondering now, who's going to take my place now that I'm gone? When I'm gone, who's going to give you the love you need and keep that fire in your eyes burning bright? All my dreams of living a real life, they're gone now for me, but not for you. I want you to take my dreams and live them for me. If I could, I would go wherever you go. Maybe I'll be able to find a way back to you, someday. Maybe there'll be someone with more power than us, and they can guide me back to you. But for now I'll just watch you, like I always have been. I'll watch you, guide you, and help you get through those dark days ahead. When we first met, you took my heart and just ran with it. I tried to follow, to get it back, but you just ran and ran. If I had any hope of loving anyone else as much as I loved you, it's gone now. But don't worry about me, I want you to now take my love and run with that. That way, you can have both my heart and my love. You think I'm dead, but I really am not. I'll be alive in your heart and in your mind, just keep me with you and I'll always be there for you. That way, wherever you go, I'll be there to meet you. Do I have any regrets now? Yes, I do. I want to be with you because I know you love me now, but I can't because I was weak. I didn't get to your side fast enough, I got there too late. The one power I wish I had right now, is to turn back time. Just so I can be beside you again. But don't cry Maxie, that time will come. I love you.  
  
* * *  
  
Should I write a sequel to this? From Max's POV? I'm thinking about it, if I get enough positive reviews I definitely will. 


End file.
